Full List of Maxims: 1-240

1. Finish the call first, then cry.

2. A crew chief in motion outranks a supervisor just arriving on scene.

3. An EMT at a dead sprint outranks everyone: safety before rank. Always.

4. Having a supervisor on scene can cover most fuck-ups.

5. Your "Everything is fine" voice and your "Oh shit" voice should be easy to tell apart on the radio.

6. If violence against a patient isn’t your last resort…you’re wrong.

7. The only appropriate “I’m sorry” after fucking things up during a call, are either Caffeine Products, Tobacco Products, or Food.

8. Don’t mock the psych patient unless you are certain the doors are locked.

9. Never turn your back on a psych patient

10. You can call a helicopter for anything at least once.

11. Your body is always an appropriate seatbelt for a psych patient until you get more backup.

12. Always remember, you could be the patient one day. Treat the patient with respect until you can’t.

13. Don’t ever think, “What’s the worst that could happen?” …because the EMS gods will show you.

14. The only friendly fire allowed on the truck is squirting your partner with a saline flush.

15. Your partner is going to talk about you, only you can affect whether it’s positive or negative.

16. If command staff is standing in the front, watch out for some bullshit behind you.

17. If the whole shift goes well, be ready for a shit show tomorrow.

18. If you work night shift, you need to quickly understand that “Curtains” and “Blackout curtains” are not the same thing.

19. If you’re not willing to spot your partner cash to buy caffeine, tobacco, or food at least once then you will never truly be partners.

20. There is no recovering from saying “oh shit” when you first see a patient’s injury.

21. If the patient has time to unbuckle and get off the stretcher mid-ride, you should have been sitting on the bench seat.

22. The medic didn’t make a mess in the back, your shitty driving did.

23. It doesn’t matter if your medic stuck you with a four-patient transport, take your call and quit bitching.

24. If your pulse is too high, it doesn’t matter what the patient’s is.

25. Never strap the main O2 so tight you don’t want to be the one to change it next.

26. If anything is stuck inside the patient, leave it in the patient.

27. Always check with your partner before blowing up the only bathroom in the station.

28. If you want to be funny on the radio, be sure that laugh is worth your job.

29. You can call Law for anything but be prepared for them not to show up.

30. If you drop a baby, fake a seizure.

31. It’s better to be considered the shifts pharmacist than the shifts fuck up…But seriously keep some OTC meds in your bag.

32. If you fuck up, admit it.

33. Any patient that fights you has made a tactical error.

34. If you feel the scene isn’t safe, it isn’t. Leave.

35. Check on your partner often, not everyone responds to calls the same way you do.

36. Getting food should always be prioritized over getting to an outbound station.

37. Pack your lunch with your partner in mind. Sharing is caring.

38. Any personal gear forgotten on scene is lost forever.

39. Know when to shut up and when to use your “EMT Voice”.

40. “The nurses will love this” means: They will not love it and will most likely complain.

41. Whenever possible, Female ETOH (Impairment similar to alcohol) patients do not ride in the ambulance alone. (Especially with an all-male crew.) Find ‘Becky’ and make her come with you.

42. The amount of $$$ earned from OT is inversely proportional to the likelihood of making it through the shift.

43. Trying to save your service money can directly affect patient care. Use the supplies in the truck.

44. If the equipment isn’t damaged, it’s never been used.

45. Wipe down the stretcher before you take a nap on it.

46. The patient doesn’t care if you think their injury is cool.

47. You are always one improper lift away from becoming a patient.

48. If DHEC shows up, let your partner do the talking.

49. Kicking the monitor doesn’t fix it.

50. In an argument with command staff, your words need to be sharper than your trauma shears.

51. If your partner tells you some personal info, keep that shit to yourself.

52. It’s only the wrong size IV needle if it’s pointed at you.

53. The patient history you have is never the patient history you want.

54. Your job is to support your crew chief, not your ego.

55. Whenever possible, lift with firefighters, not your back.

56. Your PCR (patient care report) narrative is mightier than a patient complaint if written properly.

57. Whenever possible, keep the large equipment out of small rooms.

58. Diarrhea sucks, it sucks even more on shift. Be careful what you eat for lunch.

59. Seatbelts under tension can snap back, be careful when cutting.

60. It doesn’t matter how good your hospital call-in is if you’re talking too fast for them to hear you.

61. An appropriate dose of Versed is equal to all of your strength to restrain a patient.

62. The big flashlights in the truck can always be repurposed for self-defense.

63. Rank is important until someone pulls out a weapon.

64. Anytime you’re on scene, know where your nearest exit is.

65. There is a 90% chance you’re on camera on any scene, especially mvc’s, so wait until the call is over to be a smart ass.

66. If it looks sticky or wet, don’t touch it unless you have to…this includes the patient.

67. Always carry an extra pocket knife.

68. While sleeping is encouraged, if you snore, try to nap away from your partner.

69. It’s never ok to microwave fish in the station.

70. The only acceptable reasons for waking your sleeping partner are: A call, crew change, and gunshots near the station.

71. If it’s not attached to your uniform be prepared to lose it.

72. This job will test your relationship and friendships…be ready for them to change.

73. No matter what they did, never mess with your partner’s food.

74. It’s not ok to judge a patient for their life choices. It is ok to judge them for being a whiney bitch with “Toe pain”.

75. Not all partners ‘click’ well together. You don’t have to like them, but you have to respect them.

76. Food is always better hot but be prepared to eat it cold.

77. No matter the weather forecast, bring your rain jacket.

78. It’s rare, but patient care and self-defense can fall into the same category.

79. It’s better to have a crying and screaming baby than a still and silent one.

80. No matter the service, 911 or private, we all follow the same rule. Everybody goes home. No exceptions

81. Arguing with your partner in the front cab is never advised.

82. You will never be wrong calling for backup, especially if you don’t feel safe riding in the back with the patient.

83. Late calls are the patient's fault, not your partners.

84. If your relationship with a repeat homeless patient is good enough, you can secure a meal and perform patient care simultaneously. It’s all about location.

85. Never give a nurse or doctor your pen, stethoscope, or personal gear.

86. If you’re not prepared to shut down an entire side of the interstate, then you’re not ready to be a crew chief.

87. If the random doctor, who showed up on the scene of your MVC isn’t willing to ride the call in with you, then they are not in charge.

88. Young, fit patients, rarely get sick or injured enough to require exposing them. If possible, always try to keep them covered. Trauma is always an exception.

89. Calling out of work should be like ordering a pizza…easy and relatively quick. If it isn't, consider a new service.

90. The money gained by working a holiday should never be more valuable than family time.

91. If your partner is studying, take radio responsibility so they can focus.

92. Taking pictures of call notes should be done carefully and edited appropriately for social media.

93. Just because a medicine is the most expensive, doesn’t mean it will fix the problem…you probably can’t give it anyway.

94. Don’t work sporting events if you’re not prepared to be on TV.

95. If you carried the stair chair to the patient, up multiple flights of stairs…that patient is getting in the goddamn chair.

96. Convincing a patient they don’t need the ER takes 3 times as long…just transport them.

97. It’s better to be delayed responding to a call than to shit your pants mid-call…finish using the bathroom first.

98. Don’t jump a call that isn’t going to be your ride.

99. Complaining about a patient to other EMS personnel is ok. Complaining on social media is not.

100. Everything you do on scene can affect your partner’s career.

101. Regardless of how funny the joke is, you will always catch shit for laughing during an arrest.

102. You’re not wrong if you get an EMS tattoo. You are wrong if you get one before being on the street for a year.

103. Pediatric calls aren’t that bad, so stop stressing.

104. If the pedi call IS an emergency, High flow diesel is encouraged.

105. Practice your skills. During bad calls, you default to the level of your training. Make sure that level is high.

106. If you have charts to do, get them done. The only acceptable procrastination options are eating and using the bathroom.

107. You set the tone, if you panic so will your patient.

108. If your partner gets hurt, all patient care stops until you know they are ok.

109. If you are in uniform, then you are on duty.

110. Anything you write in a chart has the potential to be read aloud in a courtroom.

111. If your partner gets injured by your driving then you owe them a bottle of their preferred alcohol. This maxim is reciprocal.

112. Getting a BP in the back of a moving truck can be tough. When in doubt, palpate that shit.

113. All pocket candy should be refreshed whenever possible.

114. If you and your partner both speak a 2nd language… Spanish, for example, make sure your patient does not also speak that language before talking shit about them in said language.

115. Nursing home staff are often uninformed and unhelpful, accept this and move on.

116. When securing food on shift, you must decide between what you want and what is fast. Choose wisely.

117. If another unit presses their ‘party button’ and you are anywhere close to them. Get in your unit and haul ass in their direction.

118. If you don’t want blood, shit or vomit on it…leave it at home.

119. You’re not wrong for ‘Pencil whipping’ a truck check-off. You are wrong if you do that without making sure all of your ‘Oh shit’ equipment is working and accounted for.

120. Don't let the trauma bond with your co-workers keep you from moving on to better things or a new service.

121. Unless you are going to grab equipment or deal with multiple patients, there is no reason to leave your partner alone on scene.

122. Any service that cares more about policy than its road crews is not a service you should plan to stay at long term.

123. If you are going to talk about your personal problems with your partner, be prepared for your entire shift to know about it.

124. If you see ’10-32’ in your call notes, that’s a fucking gun…stage until the scene is clear.

125. If you can’t see your backer, check under the truck.

126. Going out drinking with co-workers is good & can help raise morale. But be prepared for any stupid shit you did to reach command staff by the next shift.

127. Unless you want to shower at work, change your clothes, and get really up close and personal with your partner…you did not see bedbugs.

128. It doesn’t matter if you know martial arts. In the back of the truck, that shit won’t help.

129. Hygiene is important…brush your fucking teeth!

130. If a patient asks if you believe in God…You do, for that call.

131. You will never be wrong for verbalizing what you need Fire to do. You are wrong, if you do it disrespectfully.

132. What happens on the truck, stays on the truck.

133. Always do your best to ignore the crackhead at the gas station.

134. You’re not wrong if you start to date a co-worker. You are wrong if you can’t keep that shit professional after you break up.

135. As long as it’s not a breathing hazard, you can nebulize anything to get the smell from the last patient out of the rear box.

136. If you remain on scene after calling D.O.A and you’re not going back to the truck. Keep your hands in your fucking pockets.

137. Shitting yourself will not get you out of working an arrest

138. Always be ready to call in the hospital report from the front cab while transporting an emergent patient.

139. Knowing 10-codes isn’t mandatory but learn them anyway.

140. Just because you were a hot shot in EMT school, doesn’t mean that shit will transfer to the streets.

141. Snitches are bitches...don't be a snitch.

142. Don’t rush decon after a call. No exceptions.

143. D.E.F. does not go in the fucking fuel tank!

144. Whenever possible, do not let the smallest crew member ride in the unrestrained psych patient.

145. When en route to a potential trauma, high-energy music is encouraged.

146. Refusing a patient’s hospital choice is always an option.

147. If you need food then tell your command staff. Don’t use ‘low sugar’ as an excuse. You will probably get told to eat some oral glucose.

148. You will eventually get literal shit on you. Accept this and move on.

149. It’s better to be late to work because you were getting food than to show up to work hungry.

150. You’re not Santa, but keep a plush toy or two in your bag

151. If for any reason you feel the scene may warrant a hazmat response…then it's fucking hazmat. Stay in the truck.

152. Eating on the way to a call is fine…unless it's soup. Don’t do that shit.

153. Any scene has the potential to be a crime scene. Only move what you have to.

154. While not mandatory, bringing headphones to work is encouraged.

155. Always bring a spare charging cord and wall box.

156. Using the bathroom outranks eating every time…no exceptions.

157. If your partner is sensitive to your addiction, do your best to indulge away from them, or swap to something else for the shift/month.

158. The patient doesn’t care about your personal problems.

159. Trauma dumping on your unsuspecting partner is never ok.

160. Almost every EMT wants to be a medic when they first start. Don’t rush the process. Under-experienced EMTs make shitty medics.

161. If you work in a bad area and want to wear a protective vest, that’s fine. But people might think you’re a cop.

162. If there’s a way to put your name on a piece of your personal gear. Do it

163. Remember that any jewelry you have on can be ripped off or ripped out.

164. If you are sentimental about a certain piece of kit. Don’t hand it to anyone else on scene.

165. It is possible to get both a complaint and a commendation from the same call... and from the same patient.

166. The pen is mightier than the sword, but not the radio... the radio calls for backup

167. Never ask anyone what their worst call was.

168. When calling D.O.A be prepared to immediately have as many patients as there are family on scene.

169. If you are younger and more able bodied than your partner, then carry the heavier equipment.

170. There is a 50/50 chance that one of your mistakes will land you a nickname. Don’t take it personally.

171. Depending on the temperature outside, washing the truck is optional…checking the outside compartments on the truck is not.

172. You don’t know shit yet, don’t be giving other EMTs advice.

173. When enroute to a call, if you are not driving then you are the navigator…get off your phone.

174. A captain in the office with a radio outranks you on the street. (The only exception is a party button situation)

175. Having a first responder decal or license plate is ok. It’s not ok if you plaster your entire vehicle with first responder shit.

176. Patient info goes on your gloves, not in your phone.

177. Don’t put shit on the bumper of the Ambulance.

178. If possible, keep spare boots in your car.

179. If the floor is too dirty to kneel on, don't put your equipment down.

180. Your phone's GPS is always a good failsafe if your trucks isn't working.

181. If you jury-rig a patient treatment, and it works, you got lucky...don't do that shit again.

182. Regardless of how hard you are working the veterans at your service will say they had it worse.

183. Don't scream on the goddamn radio.

184. Just because the call notes say "no weapons present" doesn't mean that they aren't close by.

185. If your medic looks scared, you should be too.

186. Always have a fake name ready to give the patient, if needed.

187. Always be ready for a write up because you gave the patient a fake name.

188. Push the goddamn stretcher!

189. Put uniform requests in before you need them.

190. Your service has many resources available to you, make sure you use them.

191. If you wear glasses and can afford a spare set, keep it in your car or bag just in case.

192. Quitting an addiction and working EMS are diametrically opposed. While quitting is encouraged, it will be difficult.

193. If you don't want your shit stolen, lock the damn personal compartment.

194. Bullshitting with other crews at the ED is fun, but understand you are sacrificing time to get food when you do.

195. If you're walking into a call, and your hands are empty, you're wrong.

196. Sleeping in your car after work is fine but put a sign up so people know you're not dead.

197. Drug test happen randomly, if you don't think you can pass that day then don't go into work.

198. If you have any phobias, tell your partner before the shift starts. You will still have to run the call, but at least your partner will know why you are crying in the corner.

199. If your last patient died, don't tell that to your current patient

200. Whenever possible, try to talk to the Pedi psych patent away from their parents.

201. Unless you are wearing a smart watch, don't put your phone on silent.

202. Don't do a shift swap, unless you know that you can pay it back.

203. Using the trucks P.A microphone to direct traffic is fine. Telling another driver to put their phone down is not.

204. You are not required to give everyone gifts during Xmas, but your partner deserves a little something.

205. Your partner will eventually freeze. Be ready.

206. It doesn't matter if you get your truck loaded from another crew, check your shit.

207. Unless you are super close with your partner, keep the topic of sex off the truck

208. Keep your damn hands to yourself.

209. Civilians will evenually ask you for stories, don't start with worst one.

210. Don't sit in your partners recliner.

211. Don't be afraid to tell law that their report will have to wait.

212. You will never be wrong for working an arrest.

213. Unless you want the ambulance windows broken, don't park in front of the fucking hydrant.

214. Sitting on scene is fine...until you have family knocking on the rear of the truck.

215. Your expenses should be not dependent on getting OT.

216. Never make plans for immediately after work.

217. Don't discount the career EMT that trained you, they were there before you and they will be there after you.

218. If you get injured, tell someone. Don't be a hero.

219. Know the community you serve. Different districts require different approaches.

220. New tattoos are great, but working after getting fresh ink can suck. Plan accordingly.

221. I know you are proud of your wedding ring, but take that shit off.

222. Don't bitch about your medics driving.

223. The other drivers on the road can't hear you...stop screaming in the cab.

224. Never discount a parent's medical concerns.

225. Just because you have sirens, doesn't mean that the cars will move.

226. You will always be blamed first if you hit something.

227. Leave the fridge in the fire station alone.

228. If EMS and Fire share a station, do your best to be quiet at night.

229. If you leave a vital piece of kit at home, go back and get it.

230. Always think, "What would Hambone do?"

231. If you go through both of your uniforms, you get to go home.

232. Be ready for the homeless guy walking down the middle of the road to be your next patient.

233. It's better to wear a lighter jacket then to burn up in the truck.

234. Any supplies left in your pocket when you get home are yours now.

235. It's better to go home because you're tired then to put yourself into SVT from too much caffeine.

236. Don't jump out of the back of the truck.

237. Make security at the ED your friends.

238. Your partner does not go into the sketchy gas station alone.

239. Don't be afraid to take sleep aids.

240. Make all the memories you can.